Heartstrings

No matter how long I live and work here, there are many things that never cease to really get me and tug at my heart. I have come to the conclusion that this is a good thing though... that I do not get calloused to the need around me.

Yesterday there was a father and son on the ward that were ready to be sent home...back up far north to Kara. The boy had surgery to fix his eyes, but he was too old and we were only able to help his sight minimally. They supposedly came down with some other eye patients earlier in the week and were to go back with them. Well, when we discharged them I found out the others had left without him. Turns out they all paid their way to come down anyway and it wasn't paid for from an eye organization up north like origianlly thought. We do have some patients from up north that we bring down and then are responsible to bring back up north. In gerneral though, patients are responsible for their own transport. Since the man heard about us taking the others up north Friday he wanted to go with them and had been told that was the plan. But because he was not one we brought down by us we could not take him back and the cars were all full. We had to tell about 3 patients no for a trip back north because we did not bring them. This sounds horrible, but where do we draw the line?

After telling him this he seemed devestated. I understand the reasoning and if we give one person transport money then everyone will want some. But the man paid 10,600 CFA ($20) to get down here -prob. 12 hr trip, and only had 5,000 CFA to get back home which is not sufficient. I have no idea why he did not bring money for both ways or how he thought he was getting back. I do know that it is a lot of money around here though...$40 for travel. After talking to him and trying to figure other ways out he just said that he would manage. I felt horrible. I know this happens ALL the time and I can't give money to everyone, but this whole thing just left me completely unsettled. I have so much money compared to him...I could easily give $10 and be fine. I really felt he was not just trying to get money off of us. At the same time I thought...well, if I give him money where do I stop. EVERYONE in this country needs money. I had to debrief about this with 2 friends who agreed it is not wrong to use my personal money to help, but also think it is not necessary because that is life here and they were told they needed to have transport money.

In the end his nurse and I ended up slipping him some money in the hallway and told him not to tell anyone. I have done this a few times, but only when I really feel convicted too. This is a constant struggle though for me and many who serve here. You want to help everyone and you can't. What do you do with that in your head? You have more money than anyone here, yet everyone is constatnly asking for money and you can't help them all. I trust the Lord to guide me when I do in fact feel led to help specific people and the others I just find myself praying for - that God would be with them and provide for them. In the mean time, I find it helpful to talk with friends about the matter. It is a constant sturggle for us all who work here. I feel it is good to think about but not to dwell on. In the meantime I try to focus on how much we are helping and not just the devestating need that surrounds us.